The Outside-In: Reclaiming My Roots

    I was watching a YouTuber today, and something about her braids sparked a memory that hit me with unexpected weight. I remembered the years I spent hiding my natural red hair. Back then—during my marriage and perhaps even before—I felt like I couldn’t just be. I dyed my hair jet black and leaned into an alternative style, not because it felt like me, but because I was lost.

I hated what I saw in the mirror back then. I was spiraling, gaining weight, and viewed my natural hair as an eyesore. Even the choice to keep it black felt like a weary act of rebellion against my mother’s voice. She had forced me into a mold for so long that I didn’t know who I was as an adult. I spent years trying to find "Ashley" from the outside in, changing colors and styles like I was trying on different lives that didn't quite fit.

But the view in the mirror has changed.

I don’t hate what I see anymore. I want to keep my red hair now because it feels like an outward expression of my natural, witchy side—something wild, free, and indicative of a life being well-lived. My style has shifted into something more relaxed, something that makes me feel like a goddess. Whether I’m in a hoodie and leggings or those flowy nightgowns that bring me such peace, it’s coming from a place of internal quiet.

I think I have finally found who I am. I am separate from my mother, separate from the expectations of society, and finally separate from my own self-deprecation. It has been a long, jagged journey to get here, and I know there will be more phases as I continue to grow. But for the first time, I truly love the woman looking back at me.

With love from the shadows,

Ashley



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