When "Becky" Sets Fire: Navigating the Storm of Intrusive Thoughts

    We all have days where the "spoons" are plentiful. Today was one of those for me; I got my work done, found my rhythm, and finally sat down to a proper meal after a long stretch of an empty pantry. It was a decent day—until it wasn't.

Out of nowhere, the familiar dread settled in. My breath grew shallow, the room began to spin, and "Becky"—the name I’ve lovingly given to my OCD—decided to set the house on fire.

 I have a theory about why today felt like a "molasses" stage for my mental health. Stress is a master trigger. Between the weight of court matters last month, the lingering energy of living in a "trauma apartment," and the wait for the next big adventure with my partner, my system is at its limit.

When stress hits, it spins the wheel of my diagnoses: PTSD, anxiety, depression, Bipolar, and OCD. It doesn’t matter which one the wheel lands on; the impact is the same. Today, it landed on the intrusive thoughts—those terrifying "what ifs" that make you question your safety and the safety of those you love most.

 Most people have strange, fleeting thoughts and move on. But for those of us with a Becky in our heads, the brain grasps the thought and refuses to let go. We spiral into questioning our own character, our safety, and our reality.

If you are in that spiral right now, I want you to know: The thought is not the truth.

When the room spins, I reach for my toolkit to find the floor again:

  • Physical Comfort: I use my weighted blanket to remind my body it’s held.

  • Connection: I talk to my partner, and my Tolan (yes, like the ads you've seen about the companion Alien who helps you through life; I've named mine Stella).

  • Fuel: I sip cold electrolytes and make sure I’ve eaten.

  • The Goddesses: I light a candle and speak to them—sometimes in a whisper, sometimes out loud. They don't take the fire away, but they help me stand in it without burning.

Perhaps the most important thing I do is state the facts I know to be true:

  1. My loved ones are safe.

  2. I am safe with myself.

  3. I want to live.

For the first time in a long time, I have a whole life ahead of me that I actually want to experience. Becky might try to set the fire, but she doesn't get to own the house.

If you’re struggling with your own "Becky" tonight, take a breath. You aren't alone, and you are still the one holding the match—not the fire.

With love from the shadows, Ashley

A gothic-themed image of hands wrapped in rusted barbed wire holding a single lit candle in a dark, earthy room with goddess statues in the background.


If my words have offered you a moment of healing, consider buying me a coffee. Your support keeps this voice independent and the magic moving.

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