Hell on Wheels: When the Dream Turns Into a Pressure Cooker


    We have officially moved into our "cottage on wheels." But if I am being completely honest? For the first two days I was there, it wasn't giving "noble sanctuary" at all. It was giving Hell on Wheels.

I was already sick, and the stagnant summer heat wasn't making it any better. Our AC isn't working. Our fridge isn't working. I couldn't give the animals cold water, and I couldn't even get a cold drink for myself—which, with my POTS, quickly spiraled from miserable to dangerous. I was constantly, fiercely worried about the dogs and Yennifer. Nothing was going to plan, and things were turning into a life-or-death situation far too quickly.

After a long, honest conversation, my wife and I made a vital decision. Since we still have our apartment until next Friday, I would bring the animals and stay here.

The moment she said I could come back, the wave of relief was staggering. This apartment has air conditioning. It has a working fridge. It has a real bathroom, an actual tub, and a real toilet. I hate this apartment, sure, but being back here for these few days has completely shifted my mood, my physical health, and my mental state. The animals are safe, and that is what matters most.

And the distance from my wife? To be blunt, it’s been nice. I had been doing a really good job of not taking my physical misery out on her, but if I had stayed trapped in that suffocating heat for one more day, I knew there would be issues. This break wasn't just necessary for my physical survival and the animals' safety; it was vital for our relationship.

I actually like being by myself—as long as I’m not cooking alive. Right now, I am completely basking in the fact that I am alone. It is just me and my guardians in fur and scales, sitting in a beautiful, cool room. But beneath that relief is a ticking clock, because I know that once next Friday rolls around, there will be no escape from the heat.

The other night, I had a dream. In it, I was making my own money, and I used some of it to book a nice, cool hotel room for the night. I had my wife come over to eat a meal, take a bath, and share a cozy movie night with me. But then she left, and it was just Yennifer and me in the quiet, cool peace. No pressure. No one bothering us. Just absolute stillness. It was a beautiful dream.

As for the reality of the future? I have no idea what it holds, and honestly, I am completely dreading it.

There is no positive spin to put on this one. It sucks, and there is no denying it. Things are either going to get better or they are going to get worse, and right now, sitting on the edge of next Friday, all I can see is the "worse" part. I am not happy with where we are at right now, but there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. No matter how many petitions I send to my goddesses, and even if I did try to manifest a shift, it wouldn't change the broken mechanics of our current situation.

My focus right now is shrunk down to one single thing: survival.

I hate that I am back in survival mode. I was desperately hoping for a small break, a little breathing room after the storm of the last few weeks, but instead, I feel like I've been dropped right back at the brutal beginning. Only this time, it feels slightly worse.

I have no advice to give today. Not for myself, and not for anyone else. Sometimes life just entirely sucks, and there is absolutely no avoiding it.

With love from the shadows, Ashley




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